Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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