You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
