felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
