yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
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