he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
