I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
