this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
