we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
