she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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