I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
