I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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