Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
