Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I need to align my fucking chakras
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