In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
