you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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