the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
