I'm eating all of the evidence.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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