just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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