The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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