I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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