i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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