Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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