i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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