I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
