onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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