I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
