so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
