I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
