I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
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Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
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but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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