An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
