I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
