I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
