My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
