I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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