Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
