Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
