cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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