My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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