On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
