I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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