that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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