State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
