Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
