Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
bring money and cleavage
it glows. i had to have it.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
