I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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