"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
