Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
