im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I need to align my fucking chakras
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room