You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
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I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
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Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?