Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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