Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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