Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
