When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
