he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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